In my humble view, marriage may be categorized by the quality of relationship between any given husband and wife. The way you treat your spouse and more particularly the way your spouse see you in all honesty has a lot to say about your marriage. The best person to evaluate the quality of your marital union is your spouse. On this note, I am comfortable to say that marriages generally speaking come in seven categories: 1. Separated but not divorced; 2. Marriage of duty; 3. Epileptic marriage; 4. Ordinary marriage; 5. Average marriage; 6. Passionate marriage; and 7. Perfect marriage. I will offer a simple analysis promptly.
The first category of marriage may be described as those separated but not divorced. Such spouses are no longer relating like husbands and wives, but they are afraid of going their separate ways for some very strong reasons best known to them. They may put up an excellent public appearance to deceive others, but deep within they know that there is really nothing going on between them! The marriage is simply artificial and 100% cosmetic in nature. Virtually all the benefits and joy of marriage are visibly absent in this category of marriage. Each spouse in most cases lives in different rooms firmly locked and inaccessible to the other spouse except on special occasions! Personal interaction is generally avoided except it becomes practically inevitable. Parties in this class of marriage are at best ‘lone rangers!’ On a sad note couples in this category who cannot afford good accommodation that will confer individual privacy are prone to moderate to violent confrontation on account of forced or compelling routine marital interaction.
Of course, this is actually a dead marital union even though parties are not physically separated. Those in this category have no feelings or emotion for their partner. Whether their partners are dead or alive they don’t see any difference. This is because there is nothing like emotional connection or chemistry between them again. As far as they are concerned, their spouse may as well be a total stranger whose memory is fast fading away! Love is actually dead and buried in this category of marriage. To put it bluntly, partners in this class have deleted each other from their mind and no longer the least concerned whether the other person still exist or not. What a terrible marital tragedy!
The next is marriage of duty of which refers to those trapped in loveless marital unions. They are simply performing their marital duties out of unavoidable necessity and not based on love or affection for their spouse. If they have their way they would not even relate with their spouse, but unavoidable marital duties dictates otherwise! In this kind of marriage the home is like an office environment where each spouse performs series of marital duties like a robot without any touch of love or affection! What a frustrating scenario!
Of course you feel happy and excited when your spouse is not around. As far as you’re concerned, such moments is like enjoying an excuse duty from work and you truly feel like celebrating the little peace of mind you enjoyed in the absence of your spouse. That is a typical example of marriage of duty with little or no spark of love. But the good thing is that they are relating as husband and wife relatively well and giving each other what is due although not in an atmosphere of deep rooted love and tender care. Well half a loaf, as the saying goes, is better than none!
Epileptic marriage is next on the list. It arises where the couple cannot effectively work on their differences. They would be in the cloud of happiness today and threatening to go their separate ways tomorrow! The joy and stability of such marriage is very fragile and most difficult to sustain. Unresolved dispute is one of the major characteristics of this type of marriage. By implication the mountains of unresolved crisis simply creates deep-rooted bitterness like a time bomb waiting to explode at the slightest provocation! Just like an epileptic patient nobody can rightly predict the next round of marital crisis. And the circle goes on and on. This type of marriage is built on deception possibly for personal or selfish gain. Rather than address the core problem affecting the marriage the spouse hide behind the curtain of deception and pretend that all is well. Of course, avoidable problems continue to come and go with a huge apprehension that the union may crash someday.
The fourth category which is ordinary marriage refers to those who are simply pushing ahead even though there is nothing to make them feel special or unique in their marriage. Those in this category feel a little spark of love. It is not like marriage of duty. There is a little smoke of love and affection, yet to be fanned into a burning flame of romantic affection. But the partners are nonetheless forging ahead. It’s like saying, “Even though we are not too happy with ourselves, but we are not complaining”. To some extent it’s a marriage of endurance for the sake of the children in most cases. In this class of marital union there is nothing special and extraordinary. The marriage is by all intent and purpose visibly cold and uninspiring. But couples in this category are not the fighting kind of people. They are coping even though it’s on a sacrificial note. Although the marriage is cold but it has better prospect if parties are determined to improve their commitment to the union.
The fifth on the list is an average marriage. This type of union is mostly defined by little happiness and excitement. The couple may somehow be happy that friction in their relationship is pleasantly minimal and manageable. You may call it “my marriage is better than that of my neighbour” kind of marital union. Friendship and communication is fair. Sexual satisfaction is just on the surface. It’s not the sizzling and memorable type expected in a wonderful union. Giving is moderate but certainly not sacrificial in nature. Social interaction is also fair and manageable. One thing about this type of marriage is that none of the spouse is ready to ask for any better treatment for fear of unpleasant consequences! Everything in this type of union is on the average. Yet, many see such home as a role model because of the high level of divorce in contemporary time. What a pity! This now takes me to the sixth category which is passionate marriage.
A passionate marriage is an extraordinary marriage. In this case each spouse visibly demonstrates passionate love, undeniable care and deep affection for each other privately and publicly. Talk of lovebirds that are always together. They are known for expressing strong feelings for each other. They are the magnetic kind of couple. They truly lavish each other with excess love and everyone around them can attest to that point. A passionate marriage speaks of a hot and sizzling marital romance where the love pot is truly on fire and steaming with deep-rooted affection or what is popularly called Tender Loving Care (TLC).
Couples who are passionately married treat each other as oxygen. That means you cannot possibly survive without your spouse. In this union you feel terribly bad, roundly empty and incomplete anytime your spouse is not around. It would appear as if you have been denied oxygen which is an essential ingredient of life for your survival. You will feel like your heart is removed from your body thereby leaving you as an empty container. It is the exact opposite of those who are divorced but not separated.
Those who are passionately married are actually having a foretaste of heaven on earth through their enviable marital union. In this category, marital challenges are seen as mere obstacles which must be jointly dealt with. Here the couple jointly formed a formidable army to deal with every negative force trying to destroy the union. The man and his wife see themselves as an indivisible teammate with a common interest instead of opponents working to achieve personal or selfish interest. No crack is allowed in the union no matter the nature of the disagreement. This is a good example of a loving home where everything is depicted by the phrase “our this” and “our that” as opposed to “my this” and “my that” in their marital relationship. Those in this category are truly cleaving to each other as commanded by God whether the road is smooth or rough. No trial or circumstances of life can separate them until death terminate the union. That is the best form of marriage as far as am concerned and that should be the target of parties to any worthy marital union.
The last on the list is perfect marriage. Of course, a perfect marriage is simply a mirage. Put in another way, a perfect marriage is a lie as it doesn’t exist anywhere! Well, I must admit that a perfect marriage only exists in movies, fictional novels and dream world. In as much as you are not perfect there is no point expecting your partner to show any trait perfection. Let’s be realistic; we are all work in progress through the grace of God. A perfect marriage is simply an aspiration which we should continue to pursue until we draw our last breath on earth. What a reality!
In the meantime what is the way forward in the midst of undeniable marital turbulence? Is there any hope for troubled marital unions? Yes, this simple book, Married But Feeling Unmarried, by the grace of God and with strong determination on your part you will regain the deep rooted, but now elusive pleasure of marriage that you have been longing for. The grace of God will restore and sustain your desired marital bliss. Remember that if you are sincere enough to partner with God for the restoration of your battered home, God is more than able to perfect your marriage. Psalm 138:8 says God will perfect everything that concerns you. God is faithful. Take His word for value and it shall be well with your family.
Apart from married people, this book is also designed to prepare singles that are either searching or preparing for marriage to take off on a solid and pleasant note. Foundation is very crucial to any pursuit. Married But Feeling Unmarried sufficiently packaged with enough practical instructions on how to be the right person and how to choose right. You will also find several tested and proven mechanisms required for building and sustaining a great marriage. Indeed, this is a multipurpose book for both single and married people. There is no time to waste. Continue to explore the rich contents of the book which has been divided into two volumes in order to facilitate simple understanding and free flow of related topics put together under each part. Volume 1 is particularly designed for singles while Volume 2 will benefit married people immensely. I am confident that the book will produce a pleasurable harvest of marital transformation to the glory of God.
Extracted from my book, Married But Feeling Unmarried, which will be published soon.
